Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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