By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
