I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
