I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
