I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
