I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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