What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Mom said you looked used
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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