I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
