Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
