My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
