Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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