dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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