I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
