nut hugger
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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