he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
