Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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