And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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