She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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