dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize