Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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