I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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