Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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