I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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