I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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