Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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