Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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