So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
