I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
