By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
