I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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