Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
