I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
