Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
