I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize