omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
