you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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