I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize