before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
