You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
