I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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