i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
