I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
