new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this boner is exhausting
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
