allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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