Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
