1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
