hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
