I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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