I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
