If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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