how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
