My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
