I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
