Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
