So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize