so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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