he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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