Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
