so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize