I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
