I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize