We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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